I am an African-American male in his early thirties who
has reached the point of exhaustion. I've been closeted all
of my life and have only dated females (simply for appearance
sake). Now, I've reached a point in my life were I'm tired
of wasting my time and other young ladies time when I know
I have and have always had a strong attraction to men. Being
that I've never been married and have no kids and also not
seeing any romantically (and haven't been for the past 4 1/2
years). I've gotten annoyed with the usual questions "Why
aren't you married yet" and are you seeing anyone. I'm trying
to break free of these desires because I've allowed it to
rule my life and therefore I have become a recluse, afraid
to make new friends and very relunctant to trust anyone.
I haven't even allowed myself to become active in my
church for fear of being found out and exposed because
I know without a doubt I would be told to resign from my position.
I want to serve the Lord and if he is unapproving of my desires
for other men then I won't act on them. However, I find it
very depressing knowing that I will have to spend the rest
of my life alone with no one to love and no one to love me.
Alone 4 Life in Birmingham
To Alone 4 Life in Birmingham:
There are three things that caught my attention after reading
One: The questions about your marital status and romantic
Two: Breaking free of the desires that are ruling your life
Three: Being reclusive as to not be found out and that issue
keeping you uninvolved in church.
First, if it were me in that situation, I would offer the
retort "I'm happily single". The church somehow got this notion
that it's God's will for ER'BODY to be married with children,
and that's simply not the case. God's will for our lives are
revealed to us individually as we build and nurture our relationship
with Him. NOBODY has the right to butt in and dictate what
God's will is for YOUR life. ESPECIALLY when it comes to your
intimate and very personal relationships. That's between you
Secondly, why is it that your desire for the same gender
is something you must break away from? I'm a firm believer
that you like what you like because that's a part of how you
were made. Maybe your desire for men is an expression of what
is naturally a part of who you are. It's like this...some
men like skinny women, some like thick girls (like in the
Durty South...I just HAD to represent, LOL). Some like blondes,
some brunettes. Some men like men. It's not something that
you control. It's just what you like. It's a natural thing
for you. It's nothing you should be ashamed of. God knew before
you were in your mother's womb that you would be who you are
today. He loves and continues to bless you because He made
you that way. You CAN continue to live a life pleasing to
God and feel like you do. There's no sin. No foul.
And lastly, about the your being reclusive so your church
will not find out and you having to resign your post if you
are. If God truly called you, there's NOTHING NOBODY can do
take that away. You are charged by God to worship Him and
serve Him only. And if the church you are a part of tries
to tell you differently, maybe that's not where you are supposed
to be. My motto is this...as long as I glorify God, edify
His people, and horrify God's enemy, He's pleased with me,
and everyone else can just get over it.
I hope that helped. I will be praying for and with you that
God's will be done in your life.
Peace and Blessings!
I recently moved to Philadelphia, PA. Before and during
this time, I prayed that God would help me find a church for
the sake of my spirituality, as well as meeting new people.
A few days later, I met a guy (non-SGL, but straight) who
asked me to attend his church. The next Sunday, I went to
his church. It was amazing. For the first three Sundays, I
felt God's love and all I could do was cry. By the fourth
Sunday, and for the next two Sundays thereafter, the pastor
went on this weird anti-gay rollercoaster (I believed that
he was also revealing some "things" about his life in the
past and what he's had to give up for his walk with God).
I stopped attending the church. I've been invited back by
the guy I met. I told him that I was SGL and told him that
I was not looking for deliverance for my sexuality. He struggled
with that, but said that I had him in my corner. I really
want to go back to this church. I need your advice on how
I can go back to the church, keep my sanity, and still hold
my head up as a proud SGL man--even "confronting" the pastor?
Often times, relocating and finding a church home can be
very hard. But for the sake of one's spiritual well being,
it's worth the task. It's important for one to have, and feel
like one is part of a spiritual community with which they
can worship and grow in the knowledge of God. Let me be the
first to apologize on the behalf of my co-laborer in the Gospel
of Jesus Christ (and I don't even know him) for taking you
(and probably many others) on his "weird anti-gay rollercoaster".
I believe that one-day, all this madness will stop. I'm just
crazy enough to believe God for it, I have faith and expect
to see it happen. I will continue to fight until it does change.
But, on to your question…
Thank God for the young man who invited you to the church
in the first place. If he says he's in your corner and can
continue to be a friend and brother in the Lord, then you
have been blessed. It's rare to find "straight" or non-SGL
men who are so comfortable and confident that they aren't
threatened by someone who they know is different from them
as it relates to affectional/sexual orientation.
Next, if you want to go back to the church…I say go back.
Continue to visit the church. You just might be the beacon
of light needed in that environment to spark change. I encourage
you to PRAY. Continually seek God for His guidance in finding
your church home. If and when you go back to the church, walk
right up in that camp with your head held high. Know that
you have every right to be there just like everyone else.
The love of God is for everyone. And you are no exception.
The precious blood of Jesus was shed for everyone, and that
includes you! Hold your head up high, knowing that you are
a child of God, and enjoy the worship experience. Now if the
bashing and anti-gay rhetoric continues, you can do one of
two things…Get up, walk out, and never go back. Or you can
muster up the some courage, stay there, and after the service
(if you can) humbly go to the pastor and request to talk to
him about his sermon.
If you decide to talk to the pastor about his sermon, be
mindful that when "confronting" pastors about their sermons,
they can be very sensitive and most often WILL become defensive
when they find that you don't agree with their every word.
So, I would open with something like, "Pastor, I'm a newly
relocated visitor and I really enjoy worshipping here. However,
if you don't mind, I would really like to talk with you privately
about some of the things you said today." If he gives you
audience, ask him to pray with you, and speak to him from
your heart (remembering to continue to PRAY). This meeting
could either lead to positive dialogue that will bring about
peaceful change in the pastor's theology and belief, thus
ending the rollercoaster ride (and you may have subsequently
found your new church home). OR he may get confrontational,
combative, and start quoting "the Bible" in his defense that
homosexuality is wrong. If the latter happens, kindly thank
him for his time, excuse yourself and don't go back, knowing
that you have planted a seed. The words you speak to him will
have been planted in his spirit and will one day spring up
and bloom whether you are there to see it or not. After the
"confrontation", you can not go back and spread the word so
others won't be subject to that kind of madness. Your other
choice would be to stay there and be a revolutionary, tap
into the spirit of our ancestors who would not put up with
injustice and seek God for how to fight for change IN that
I also encourage you to check out the List
of Affirming Churches. There are a few churches in the
Philadelphia area listed and I'm positive the leadership and
members of either one of them would welcome you with open
arms. Continue to pray, visit these churches (and maybe a
few others) before making a decision to settle at one church.
I'm sure God will lead you to a spiritual community you can
proudly call home. done in your life.
Peace and Blessings!
Peace and Blessings unto you. I am writing you not so
much for advice but more for encouragement. I am young same
gender loving female who loves the Lord with all my heart
and soul and have been in a very honest and pure relationship
for the past 3 years. I love my partner with every breath
that is within me. With all of the same sex controversy that
is going on in this country I have come to realize that I
am deeply saddened by the entire situation. It upsets me to
know that in this life not everyone has the "right" to love
freely or the freedom to let that light shine. I've gotten
to the point to where I can't even listen to my favorite radio
shows morning programs because of the week long topic of same
sex marriages, nor can I watch TV. So I come to you today
to ask for some spiritual uplifting because all of this negative
energy on this subject matter is deeply depressing me and
inside I feel/know that I/all same gender loving people are
becoming victims of societal/social-religious oppression.
Peace Ms. Y
To Ms. Y:
I am TOTALLY feeling you my sister. It's a sad, even depressing
commentary to think that people in the 21st Century cannot
live in peace, have equal rights, allow each other to seek
God for themselves, or express a love that transcends race,
gender, religious belief, etc.
I encourage you to see God's glory in this fight. Change
what you think about this thing. Ignorance and fear doesn't
die easily. To kill it, confrontation must happen. That's
all this is, confrontation in an effort to further kill ignorance
and fear, thus weakening the stronghold of injustice in our
country. Philippians 4.8 encourages " Fix your thoughts on
what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that
are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that
are worthy of praise (New Living Translation)." If we think
about what is true, honorable and right, we will see that
God's glory is in everyone being treated equally. His glory
is in everyone living in an environment where diversity is
embraced, not used as a tool to divide and conquer. Thinking
about what is pure, lovely and admirable will help us see
more clearly that God IS Love, and His love IS for everyone.
We will see that His unconditional love cannot and will not
be thwarted by ignorance, fear and prejudice. Let's look deeper
into this issue by seeking to find God's hand in it. Fighting
for equality for all people is most definitely praiseworthy
in that it brings to the forefront His desire for all people
to dwell together in unity. It will reveal His plan for all
of us to love Him as He loves us, and to love our neighbors
as we love ourselves. While one group sees itself as superior,
this cannot happen. So those who are seen as inferior must,
in the spirit of revealing God's love for all, lift up their
voices in opposition to oppression. God's glory is revealed
in this because we are all being educated, we are all being
edified, we are all being empowered with knowledge so that
prejudice and discrimination can be eradicated.
One thing I try to keep in mind that our cause is not one
of division or harm. We are not seeking to discredit or hurt
anyone. The fight for equal rights is not one where one group
is seeking to rob another group of their rights. It is a fight
for all people to be treated and seen in the same light. Not
one better than the other, but though different, THE SAME…just
like God created us. So my sister, stay strong by praying
that God's glory is revealed in this. Think about how wonderful
it will be when all people experience the truth of God love
for all. Think of what a wonderful place this will be when
all people have the same rights under the law. Think of how
peaceful our country will be when we can all show love without
shame. Think on these things. All that's happening now, is
necessary conflict so that what's true, honorable, right,
pure, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy can be seen and experienced
by all people.
Peace and Blessings!
I appreciate this site and I love the teaching. But I'm
in a bit of a dilemma here. See I'm the Minister of Music
at my church. I love my church family. I love the pastor and
his ministry. We have worked together, grown together, and
I have gained the respect of many in this church, so I've
been careful to keep my sexuality to myself, and I don't think
anyone knows. My position is one of the many "paid" positions
in the church, so being the Minister of Music is my full-time
Sometimes my pastor does go off and say some stuff that
can be construed as "gay-bashing". And when he does, I am
offended. What should I do? Should I talk to him about it?
Or should I just keep my mouth shut, and keep my job? I feel
like I need to do something.
Minister of Music
To Minister of Music:
You are truly between a rock and a hard place with this one.
I too have served in leadership positions with compensation,
so I know what you are feeling. First let me say it's understandable
why you aren't "out" per se to your church family. There are
many that are in this same predicament. I cannot stress enough
the importance of prayer when dealing with this situation.
Seek God, and He will lead you, mos' def! He never fails.
If you decide to go to the pastor and talk to him about
his "going off and saying gay-bashing things", please consider
two things. One, you will most likely be indirectly coming
out to him. And two, your going to him could yield two possible
results. You could gain MORE support from your pastor. He
will continue to love and respect you as his brother in the
Lord. OR he will feel betrayed that you've told him (after
keeping it from him so long), and you could possibly lose
your job and adversely affect your livelihood. Only you can
decide what you should do. In your decision making, count
the cost. Consider all the possibilities. Make an informed
Now HOW to do what you decide will be key. If you decide
to not say anything and keep things as they are, there ARE
ways you can do something to change the environment you are
in. You can (if you don't already) teach the background of
the songs you bring to the music department BEFORE you teach
them. Find scripture to support what you sing. Study those
background scriptures in the light of inclusivity and the
liberation of everyone who believes. Ask God to reveal to
you the "Spirit" of the scripture and not just the letter,
so that you can ensure the singers in the choirs, praise teams,
and soloists understand the message to be conveyed when singing
the song. By doing this, you are making a change. You are
teaching that God's love is unconditional and available to
EVERYONE on a deeper level. Those you are teaching will get
the message, and will spread it, not only in their singing
and music ministry, but they will begin to share that message
If you decide to go to your pastor (continually praying),
go to him humbly, as one who is a friend and brother in the
Lord. He knows you, and since you're on the ministerial staff,
he respects what you do. Let him know your concerns. Express
how you feel (and how many others may feel) when he says these
gay-bashing things. Let him know how destructive and hurtful
it is. As I've said to others, you will either open his eyes
and cause him to seek God and change his theological/doctrinal
position about this issue, or he will become defensive and
you will have to deal with the consequences of that decision.
Hopefully, you will have opened his eyes and things will start
changing for the better.
However you decide, keep your faith in God. Knowing that
He is in control. He will not lead you wrong. And as the psalmist
wrote "God WILL take care of you." Also keep in mind that
you are NOT alone. There are hundreds of people who are in
this situation. There are thousands of people who feel your
pain. Pray, and ask others to pray with and for you. I know
I will be, and I will encourage others to do the same.
Thanks for trusting me enough to write in and ask me about
this issue. I hope I have been of some help to you.
I was looking at this Operation: REBIRTH site which I
figure must be the work of a Christian, and I've got an honest
question, not trying to pick or poke a fight. Why should a
gay or SGL person even care about trying to convince the church
to love them, keep them, or stay? Help me to comprehend the
energy push behind this.
To Brother C:
Good Question! And I'm glad you asked.
The site is phase one of a grass roots effort to re-educate
the black community about who us (the SGL community) and how
valuable we are to each other as a whole. And yes, as a Co-Founder
of the Movement and of the site, I am a Christian. Though
I must add that a large number of our supporters and faithful
visitors to the site aren't. My views, though Christian (that's
the means by which I learned them), I consider to be universal
in that God is God over the universe and all that it entails.
To answer your question, individuals don't have to care about
the church loving, keeping, or accepting them. And that's
every person's right. The purpose of Operation: REBIRTH is
to let people know that they DON'T have to stay at the churches
that are abusing them. To provide a wealth of information
about churches, people, and organizations that are affirming
and inclusive. To show people that the Bible that has been
used to bash us was never meant to hurt, but help us. And
the scriptures used in bashing are taken WWWAAAAAYYY out of
context. We have given people who are in spiritually abusive
situations a voice. We are telling the truth, and people are
being made free as a result.
And as for the re-education effort...in spite of years of
abuse and being persecuted, it is important that we not forget
that as a people, we need each other. SGL, Straight, Male,
Female, Trans, Bi, WHATEVER...we are a part of each other.
Our diversity was never meant to divide us, but to help us
see the beauty in each other so we could share it, one life
to another. We all have different talents, different points
of view, different experiences, and that is a beautiful thing.
The sooner we learn that our differences are actually opportunities
to teach, instead of divide...the better off we'll be.
If after the re-education effort in this phase of the movement
the church decided they STILL will not stop the abuse and
preaching of hatred...each individual involved has the choice
to pick up their Bible and their Wallet and LEAVE! Make an
exit from abuse and an entrance into an affirming spiritual
atmosphere. Because they have been empowered with truthful
information that is edifying.
I hope that answered the question! Thanks 4 asking!
I have been reading this website every month since the
beginning and I think you are doing wonderful work. I think
your views are sometimes controversial, but they make me think.
Since you have taken a bold stance against the church and
it's teaching about homosexuality, how do you know that you
are hearing from God and not just acting out of your flesh?
WOW! That's a loaded question.
Before I get into my answer though, let me thank you so much
for your support of Operation: REBIRTH. We appreciate you
and the thousands more like you who visit and comment every
month. I sincerely pray that something is being said to educate,
encourage and empower you in your walk with God.
How do I know I'm hearing from God? Hmmm.....let me see.
Well, at the risk of sounding very simplistic, I just walk
by faith. I just believe in my heart that my experience in
and with the church was not in vain. God allowed me to see
all I have seen in order to do this ministry because there
are SO many other people in the church who are dealing with
the same stuff that I have been through. Not only did He use
the bad experiences I've had in churches to teach me how to
trust only in Him, but also He taught me what love and compassion
ISN'T. And since I know what it isn't, I'm better able to
see and show what it is.
At my home church, the Sr. Saints used to say "there's just
something within that I just can't explain; all that I know,
is it's something within." And that's another way I know.
When I started walking with God and following His plan for
my life, something within let me know that I am on the right
track. That I am indeed doing the right thing. And it really
can't be explained because what God told ME to do, and how
He told ME to do it, others just may not understand. But something
within ME lets me know that I am obeying God.
Another way I know is that I'm at peace. I'm not afraid.
I'm not confused. I'm not unsure. Every thing about this work
gives me peace. And I do it with joy. YES it gets frustrating
sometimes. YES I get upset and have to cry. Sometimes I call
my friends and vent. I tell them that I'm not doing this anymore.
But they always remind me that fighting for the end of spiritual
abuse, and toiling for the cause of social justice gives me
peace. They tell me that my "light" shines when I'm writing,
and preaching, and singing. I'm really not happy doing much
else. That's how I know. The scripture says, "God is not the
author of confusion". It also says, "God didn't give us the
spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind."
Lastly, I look at the fruit. When people write me and tell
their testimonies. When people write and say "thank you for
saying what I really didn't know how to say". When people
tell me they are no longer dealing with depression because
they now KNOW beyond all doubt that God is in love with them.....That
lets me know that I'm doing the right thing. The fact that
I'm responding to you says I'm obeying God.
I hope that answered your question. I pray that Operation:
REBIRTH is a blessing to you and that you in turn will BE
a blessing to someone else.